Not too old to rock and roll

Edna Parker, 114, the world's second oldest person met Bertha Fry, 113, the world's fifth-oldest to set a new Guinness World Record.

Rumor has it that Edna and Bertha had met once before, as teenagers, while attending a Rolling Stones concert.

Gonzales computer

I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer this week. It works great.

It destroys your emails and has no memory, but other than that it works great.

- Jay Leno

Idol robbery

While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves.

Cowell described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."

- Conan O'Brien

Underhanded law

A Florida senator wants to pass a "Pull Up Your Britches" law that would punish teens for showing their underwear.

Appropriations Committee will begin debate on the "Britney Spears" commando amendment on Tuesday.

Polling politicians

According to a new ABC/Washington Post poll, presidential candidate Joe Biden has moved from 1% to 2% in just the last two months.

You know what I think. I think he is peaking way too early.

- Jay Leno

Earth Day celebrations

Big Earth Day celebrations this weekend.

Guess who wasn't invited this year? Pluto.

- David Letterman

Limbo no more

Vatican has abolished limbo reversing centuries of Roman Catholic traditional belief.

The Vatican parties will just not be the same without the Cardinals dancing under the holy pole.

Sexy secrets

Eva Longoria says her sexy secret is a Brazilian bikini wax.

Britney Spears had a secret like that, but somehow it got out.

- Jay Leno

Tour de dope

Tour de France officials are getting concerned about doping again.

Officials got a bit suspicious when three teams tested positive for Barry Bonds.

Satisfied Nigerians

According to a new global survey, Nigerians are among the most satisfied people in the world when it comes to sex.

You will be getting an email on how you can learn the ‘Secrets of sexual satisfaction' from a Nigerian Ministry of Finance official any day now.

Disney wedding gowns

Disney has created a collection of wedding gowns inspired by the Disney princess characters, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White.

Reverend Al Sharpton is planning a march to protest the racist Snow White wedding gown.

California brrrrth

A California woman has given birth to the first baby ever conceived by a frozen sperm and a frozen egg.

The parents can't agree on a name so they are going to call the baby Ben & Jerry's.

Kentucky Fried Tyrannosaurus?

Scientists have discovered the first genetic proof that Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant cousin to the modern chicken

This morning Don Imus apologized for calling the T. rex a "nappy-headed chicken"

Tyrannosaurus Chicken

Scientists have discovered the first genetic proof that Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant cousin to the modern chicken.

Scientists are still mystified by what came first, the T. rex or the egg.

Price is wrong

Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is getting some flack for not knowing the price of a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread.

But he does know what a wedding cake costs because he bought three of them.

- Jay Leno

Idol guest

Did you see "American Idol?" The guest judge was Jennifer Lopez.

For once, Simon Cowell wasn't the biggest ass on the show.

- Craig Ferguson

Fairy Tale Wedding

Disney has announced that it will now allow same-sex couples to participate in its Fairy Tale Wedding program.

In related news, Bashful and Happy have officially changed their names to Fabulous and Gay.

Father Birkhead

Larry Birkhead says he doesn't plan to share legal custody of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a day after DNA tests proved he is the father.

Birkhead added, "I'm looking forward to giving Dannielynn and her trust account all my love and support."

Hunt for truth

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney claims to be a lifelong hunter even though he has gone hunting only twice in his life.

You know what this means; Rudy Giuliani has been married more often than Romney has gone hunting.

- Jay Leno

Pimp My Governor

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to appear on the show "Pimp My Ride."

This is of course great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning.

- Conan O'Brien

Firefighter in a bikini

A Cincinnati firefighter was arrested after he was found drunk wearing a woman's blond wig and bikini in a public park.

Today, the Cincinnati Fire Department announced that they are doing away with "Casual Fridays."

- Jay Leno

Barbecue bad for you

According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for your prostate.

Well, I'm glad they got this out in time. I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no idea it's bad for you.

- Jay Leno

America's pastime

America's pastime is back. It's that season again. Big sweaty guys grabbing their crotches, yelling, swinging the bats.

That's right, the new season of the "Sopranos" starts this weekend.

- Craig Ferguson

Whitewater, the Movie

Plans are underway for a movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. Rumor is that Charlize Theron is going to play Susan MacDougal.

Bill Clinton has offered to personally debrief Charlize Theron, repeatedly if necessary.

Unexplained Miracles

This is Holy Week when we celebrate the three unexplained miracles.

The parting of the Red Sea, the Resurrection, and that Sanjaya is still surviving on American Idol.

- Jay Leno

Dakota dying

A group of Native Americans at an Indian reservation in Minnesota are trying to save the Dakota language from extinction.

The language is dying because there are no Dakota words for Blackjack or Video Poker.

- Jay Leno

Dear deer

A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer.

The man claims he kept hearing a voice in his head asking him to "Do a deer, a female deer..."

Anna autopsy

The autopsy report is back and Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental drug overdose.

In other equally shocking news, somebody in Palestine got angry and threw a rock.

- Alex Kaseberg

Skywalk Buzz

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin inaugurated the Skywalk, by walking on the glass-bottomed deck, with great views of the Grand Canyon.

Rhetorical question: If Britney Spears walked on the glass-bottomed deck, would the views of the canyon be grand?

Skywalking over the canyon

An American Indian tribe in Arizona has built this skywalk over the Grand Canyon.

Environmentalists are shocked that a Native American tribe would desecrate their own sacred land with something other than a casino.

- Jimmy Kimmel