Bussted

74-year-old Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss was arrested for a D.U.I while driving the wrong way on a street in Carlsbad with a 23-year-old swimsuit model.

Gosh, I wonder why he wasn't watching the road?

- Alex Kaseberg

Condi Critic

Condi Rice trained for twenty years to become a concert pianist, according to a new biography. When she was told she didn't have the talent she vowed never to make a long-term plan again.

Somewhere there's a music critic responsible for the Iraq war.

- Argus Hamilton

Creed Freed

Former Creed lead singer Scott Stapp was released from jail.

Raising fears that he might start recording again.

- Andy Borowitz

Jurassic Ark

The Creation Museum opened this week with an exhibit of dinosaurs on Noah's Ark to support the claim that creationist theory is backed by modern scientific evidence.

Some skeptics questioned the scientific evidence supporting the exhibit and are not entirely convinced that Noah purchased Ark insurance from the Geico caveman.

Fighting for Freedom?

President Bush delivered his weekly radio address to the country Saturday from Camp David. He said the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan aim to bring freedom to those nations.

To smuggle it in undetected we've craftily disguised it as chaos and gunfire.

- Argus Hamilton

Re-rehab

Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab again, after her accident this weekend while driving under the influence.

This is Lohan's second trip to rehab this year. One more and the next one is free. 

Honor Heroes

Monday is Memorial Day, when we honor the Military heroes.

We honor the Military heroes by having a flat-screen blowout at Circuit City.

- David Letterman

Alert in Alabama

The Alabama Department of Homeland Security has taken down a web site that implied that gay rights groups could include terrorists.

In other news, Homeland Security has discontinued the 'hot pink' alert level for ‘elevated threat of attack by flamboyant interior decorators.'

Sleepless in England

Tony Wright in UK has broken the world record for sleep deprivation by staying awake for 11 days and nights.

When asked if his sleep deprivation would have any lasting health effects, he said he wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

Pray to lose weight?

A new diet claims you can lose over a 100 pounds just by praying.

Ever seen any skinny gospel singers?

- Jay Leno

Big Storey

New York's famed Saks Fifth Avenue department store plans to open a shoe department so big it has been granted its own ZIP code.

Other large structures with their own ZIP codes include Glendale Galleria Shopping Mall, the White House and Rosie O'Donnell.

Hardly Slept

According to a new study Viagra cures jet lag.

At least that's what Bill Clinton told Hillary when she found the pills in his luggage.

- David Letterman

Bright Idea

In Alaska, wildlife officials want to protect the public from dangerous bears by dyeing the bears bright colors like blue, green and orange.

Apparently, nothing calms down a man-eating bear like painting it.

- Conan O'Brien

Dial W for Worst

Jimmy Carter said that George W. Bush is "the worst in history". Now Jimmy Carter is backtracking. He now says that his comments were "misinterpreted."

I'm sure the phrase "the worst in history" can be taken any number of ways.

- Jay Leno

Shrek rules

Shrek is an ogre. He's a beastly ogre. He's a giant and he marries into a family of royalty.

And eventually goes on to become governor of California. An amazing story!

- David Letterman

Paris prison doll

A 'Paris Hilton in Jail' doll is up for sale on ebay and comes with complete prison accessories.

The winner will get the Paris doll, one pair of handcuffs, one LA County prison number sign and a card that says "Get a life."

Looming Threat

A nature watchdog group says that we have five years to fix global warming or face catastrophic consequences.

Like the possibility of another Al Gore movie.

- Jay Leno

Humorous Huckabee

In the Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon.

Then he got an even bigger laugh when he said he was running for president.

- Conan O'Brien

Shrek controversy

A controversy is brewing over the new characters, the four princesses, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel, in Shrek the Third.

Turns out Cinderella was responsible for the firing of the seven dwarfs, Snow White got a hefty pay raise arranged by the Big Bad Wolf, Sleeping Beauty worked for an escort service, and Rapunzel paid $400 for a haircut.

Hair Hope

Scientists have successfully regenerated hair in laboratory mice and offer hope for a baldness remedy. A startup has licensed the technology and plans to launch it commercially.

Coming soon, the very first "Hair Club for Mice."

Slipping support

A new Harris poll shows that support for John Edwards has slipped from 14% in April to 12% in May.

Looks like his poll numbers are getting a haircut too.

Plan B?

This week a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his Plan B is if the current plan in Iraq doesn't work.

The Plan B discussion was difficult for Bush because it involves two areas where he's extremely vulnerable: Iraq and the alphabet.

- Conan O'Brien

Numerically-challenged Obama

Barack Obama in a campaign speech, drastically overstated the Kansas tornadoes death toll, saying 10,000 had died when he meant to say "at least 10."

Barack is blaming the error on his speechwriters and plans to fire all 5000 of them.

Resolute or Delusional?

A U.S. News and World Report cover story titled 'Bush's Last Stand' asks the provocative question, "Is President Bush resolute or delusional?"

That's easy. If you are a Republican, he is resolute; if you are a Democrat, he is delusional. If you are French, he is resolutely delusional.

Billboard ban

A Chicago billboard by two lawyers proclaiming "Life's short. Get a divorce" has been removed after complaints.

Apparently, there is a law in Chicago that prohibits using Giuliani's campaign slogan on unauthorized billboards.

History of Herod

Archaeologists have made a huge discovery in the Middle East. They found the tomb of King Herod.

Archaeology involves finding a lot of broken pots. Which tells us all about history. And it tells us in ancient times people were clumsy.

- Craig Ferguson

Paris publicist poleaxed

Paris Hilton was sentenced to jail for driving with a suspended license. She's fired her publicist for telling her she could drive to work if she felt like it.

Under California law, if you don't have a publicist the court will provide one for you.

- Argus Hamilton

Trump steaks

Donald Trump announced he is coming out with his own line of Trump steaks.

His steaks come in three sizes: large, extra large, and Rosie O'Donnell.

- Conan O'Brien

Legally silly

A Chicago billboard by two lawyers proclaiming "Life's short. Get a divorce" has been removed after complaints.

The billboard will be replaced with a message from Vice-President Dick Cheney, "Life's short. Shoot a lawyer"

Ride to nowhere

George Hood's attempt at setting a Guinness World Records by riding a stationary bike for 85 hours has been invalidated because of mathematical errors in record-keeping.

George is planning to try again this summer, and is hoping to hit 101 hours over three days.

Protest songs

There were huge immigration rallies across the country this week. In Los Angeles, the demonstrators sang, "We shall overcome."

In Mexico, the demonstrators sang, "We shall come over."

- Jay Leno

Massaging the truth

Randall Tobias, officially the man in charge of promoting abstinence in the Bush administration, admitted hiring women from an escort service, but claims he only got a massage.

Another example of how Republicans are fiscally more responsible than Democrats, they go for a $300 massages instead of a $400 haircut.

More the merrier for mayor

The San Francisco mayor's race is heating up. There are now 13 candidates running against Gavin Newsom.

Mayor Newsom said, "I'm looking forward to debating all the candidates, and nailing their wives."

- Conan O'Brien

Fortunate invention

The fortune cookie was invented in San Francisco in 1909.

The fortune cookie was invented when someone said, "That cookie was delicious, but what will happen to me in the future?"

- Conan O'Brien

Surprise! Surprise!

Britney Spears surprised her fans by making a brief appearance at a San Diego nightclub on Tuesday.

Britney last surprised her fans when her briefs did not make an appearance.

Yeltsin eulogy

Boris Yeltsin was given a state funeral in Moscow, with a horse-drawn carriage taking Russia's first democratically-elected leader through Red Square.

President Vladimir Putin was brief but eloquent in his eulogy. He said he didn't do it.

- Argus Hamilton

Saddam's birthday

Saddam Hussein would have been seventy years old tomorrow.

If you are looking for a gift, he could really use an air conditioner.

- David Letterman

The End

Former head of the Motion Picture Association of America Jack Valenti has died

His funeral is scheduled for 4:15, 7:30 and 9:45

- Jim Barach

Not too old to rock and roll

Edna Parker, 114, the world's second oldest person met Bertha Fry, 113, the world's fifth-oldest to set a new Guinness World Record.

Rumor has it that Edna and Bertha had met once before, as teenagers, while attending a Rolling Stones concert.

Gonzales computer

I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer this week. It works great.

It destroys your emails and has no memory, but other than that it works great.

- Jay Leno

Idol robbery

While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves.

Cowell described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."

- Conan O'Brien

Underhanded law

A Florida senator wants to pass a "Pull Up Your Britches" law that would punish teens for showing their underwear.

Appropriations Committee will begin debate on the "Britney Spears" commando amendment on Tuesday.

Polling politicians

According to a new ABC/Washington Post poll, presidential candidate Joe Biden has moved from 1% to 2% in just the last two months.

You know what I think. I think he is peaking way too early.

- Jay Leno

Earth Day celebrations

Big Earth Day celebrations this weekend.

Guess who wasn't invited this year? Pluto.

- David Letterman

Limbo no more

Vatican has abolished limbo reversing centuries of Roman Catholic traditional belief.

The Vatican parties will just not be the same without the Cardinals dancing under the holy pole.

Sexy secrets

Eva Longoria says her sexy secret is a Brazilian bikini wax.

Britney Spears had a secret like that, but somehow it got out.

- Jay Leno

Tour de dope

Tour de France officials are getting concerned about doping again.

Officials got a bit suspicious when three teams tested positive for Barry Bonds.

Satisfied Nigerians

According to a new global survey, Nigerians are among the most satisfied people in the world when it comes to sex.

You will be getting an email on how you can learn the ‘Secrets of sexual satisfaction' from a Nigerian Ministry of Finance official any day now.

Disney wedding gowns

Disney has created a collection of wedding gowns inspired by the Disney princess characters, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White.

Reverend Al Sharpton is planning a march to protest the racist Snow White wedding gown.

California brrrrth

A California woman has given birth to the first baby ever conceived by a frozen sperm and a frozen egg.

The parents can't agree on a name so they are going to call the baby Ben & Jerry's.

Kentucky Fried Tyrannosaurus?

Scientists have discovered the first genetic proof that Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant cousin to the modern chicken

This morning Don Imus apologized for calling the T. rex a "nappy-headed chicken"

Tyrannosaurus Chicken

Scientists have discovered the first genetic proof that Tyrannosaurus rex is a distant cousin to the modern chicken.

Scientists are still mystified by what came first, the T. rex or the egg.

Price is wrong

Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is getting some flack for not knowing the price of a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread.

But he does know what a wedding cake costs because he bought three of them.

- Jay Leno

Idol guest

Did you see "American Idol?" The guest judge was Jennifer Lopez.

For once, Simon Cowell wasn't the biggest ass on the show.

- Craig Ferguson

Fairy Tale Wedding

Disney has announced that it will now allow same-sex couples to participate in its Fairy Tale Wedding program.

In related news, Bashful and Happy have officially changed their names to Fabulous and Gay.

Father Birkhead

Larry Birkhead says he doesn't plan to share legal custody of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a day after DNA tests proved he is the father.

Birkhead added, "I'm looking forward to giving Dannielynn and her trust account all my love and support."

Hunt for truth

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney claims to be a lifelong hunter even though he has gone hunting only twice in his life.

You know what this means; Rudy Giuliani has been married more often than Romney has gone hunting.

- Jay Leno

Pimp My Governor

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to appear on the show "Pimp My Ride."

This is of course great news for fans of the show, but bad news for the guy who does the closed captioning.

- Conan O'Brien

Firefighter in a bikini

A Cincinnati firefighter was arrested after he was found drunk wearing a woman's blond wig and bikini in a public park.

Today, the Cincinnati Fire Department announced that they are doing away with "Casual Fridays."

- Jay Leno

Barbecue bad for you

According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for your prostate.

Well, I'm glad they got this out in time. I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no idea it's bad for you.

- Jay Leno

America's pastime

America's pastime is back. It's that season again. Big sweaty guys grabbing their crotches, yelling, swinging the bats.

That's right, the new season of the "Sopranos" starts this weekend.

- Craig Ferguson

Whitewater, the Movie

Plans are underway for a movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. Rumor is that Charlize Theron is going to play Susan MacDougal.

Bill Clinton has offered to personally debrief Charlize Theron, repeatedly if necessary.

Unexplained Miracles

This is Holy Week when we celebrate the three unexplained miracles.

The parting of the Red Sea, the Resurrection, and that Sanjaya is still surviving on American Idol.

- Jay Leno

Dakota dying

A group of Native Americans at an Indian reservation in Minnesota are trying to save the Dakota language from extinction.

The language is dying because there are no Dakota words for Blackjack or Video Poker.

- Jay Leno

Dear deer

A Wisconsin man received probation after he was convicted of having sex with a dead deer.

The man claims he kept hearing a voice in his head asking him to "Do a deer, a female deer..."

Anna autopsy

The autopsy report is back and Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental drug overdose.

In other equally shocking news, somebody in Palestine got angry and threw a rock.

- Alex Kaseberg

Skywalk Buzz

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin inaugurated the Skywalk, by walking on the glass-bottomed deck, with great views of the Grand Canyon.

Rhetorical question: If Britney Spears walked on the glass-bottomed deck, would the views of the canyon be grand?

Skywalking over the canyon

An American Indian tribe in Arizona has built this skywalk over the Grand Canyon.

Environmentalists are shocked that a Native American tribe would desecrate their own sacred land with something other than a casino.

- Jimmy Kimmel